Uh-Oh, Auston Matthews Likes Hot Dogs


The hot dog vendor who parks daily at Front St. and John St. may have just lost a future customer.

After finally ridding themselves of the “disease” that was known as Phil Kessel, many in the Leafs organization are worried the projected number one overall pick is showing too many similarities.

“A lot of us think Phil was a cancer for the team,” said Leafs super-fan Stu Summers. “It was the hot dogs. I heard hot dogs could cause cancer… I didn’t think it could spread to the locker room though, but that had to be the reason.”

Fans like Summers have a real reason to worry. The similarities are already piling up. Auston Matthews will likely become the Leafs best player; just like Kessel was. He will score many goals; just like Kessel. Now that Matthews’ hot dog love affair is public, we know he will definitely consume hot dogs; just like Kessel.

Matthews has a simple routine. Hit the gym early in the morning. Take a nice power nap after. Wake up and play video games. He’s been known to play first person shooters. Up until this point, he sounds like the player Toronto has been waiting for. A dream come true. The news of Matthews’ 2 p.m. daily hot dog routine woke everybody up from that dream and now they are cranky.

“Phil got hot dogs at 2:30. He does at 2. I just can’t take it,” said Summers. “We just cured our team from this last year and look what happened? The Stanley Cup is being brought back to Toronto for the first time in decades. Trade him.”

Hot dogs are on display during the official weigh-in for the Nathan's Fourth of July hot dog eating contest, Wednesday, July 3, 2013 at City Hall park in New York. (AP Photo/Mary Altaffer) ORG XMIT: NYMA107

The game of hockey has been rattled by many things, but never to this extent. This plate of hot dogs is a representation of unconsumed failure.

There has been speculation Matthews eats a different brand of hot dog than Kessel. The Leafs are investigating those reports now. Regardless, that may not be enough when deciding to pass on Matthews.

Many argue saying the hot dogs power only takes effect once his salary reaches at least 8 million dollars. If this were to be true, the Leafs would have at least three years before the cancer started spreading.

If it were only Matthews.

Rumors are spreading that Montreal Canadiens defenseman P.K. Subban also likes hot dogs and is now being actively shopped as a result. After donating an entire year of his salary to a hospital, Subban was not a recipient of an NHL humanitarian award. If you think about it, that’s insane.

What would one have to give to win that award? It’s when you look closer at the numbers. It all starts to make sense. He makes more than 8 million dollars and he eats hot dogs? The Canadiens are doing everything they can to get rid of him. It’s no coincidence the team went downhill so fast in the second half of the 2015-16 season. Edmonton was in talks to trade for Subban until they found out why he was on the trading block.

“I think it might be a thing that only happens in Canada,” said long-time Edmonton Oilers fan John Marthallameau. “We have had this problem with players for years. Why do you think we (Oilers) haven’t made the playoffs in about a decade? Hell, there was no Canadian teams in the playoffs period this year!”

Marthallameau says it gets harder to get value once a player has been “tainted by the dog”.

“We got a former first overall pick here by the name of Yakupov who loves hot dogs. We’d be lucky to get the kind of clutch, gritty player this team has needed for years to reach the next level. He doesn’t get paid much, but he’s Russian.”

Casual racism aside, Marthallameau points out some interesting things. Kessel has had no problems with hot dogs since coming to America.

It has recently come to light current Buffalo Sabres forward Evander Kane likes hot dogs and some are connecting the dots to his problems in Winnipeg. It was said Kane’s track suit was thrown into the showers one day by his angry teammates. We are now learning, that tracksuit was stained with mustard and relish.

This dilemma has taken the league, draft, and city of Buffalo by storm. Canada is sick and tired of players putting hot dogs before their team. They’re bringing everyone down with them while insulting the entirely authentic jersey on their chest. When we look at Austin Matthews, should we think it’s going to be any different?

Happy draft day. Eat responsibly.

Written by Nick Lippa

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *